Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
