I CAN MOONWALK!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
