I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
