I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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