Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
