I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
