My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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