My girlfriend figured out who you are.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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