I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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