Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just sucked dick on a ferry
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
