i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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