Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
