im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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