mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
