we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sext me about skeletons
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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