I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
