Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
