This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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