im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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