Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
