He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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