I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
