like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
