There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
