I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
