never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
