the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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