handjob tips. give me some.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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