I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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