i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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