and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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