I wish I only lived at night.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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