Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
