Joe is yelling at the trees again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
