mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it glows. i had to have it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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