I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
