Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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