I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
