i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
