So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
