Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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