Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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