Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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