Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
