There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
