my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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