On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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