This house was built for laser tag.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
