by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize