I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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