I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.