he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.