its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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