Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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