we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
