FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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