I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you had me at cake vodka
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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