i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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