I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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